1.3 What is Consent? Permission and agreement
Feeling pleasure is not the indicator of who an action is for; Consent is the indicator
Consent is made up of both permission and agreement between two or more people. This determines what will or won’t happen in an interaction.
Within the Somatic Consent Engagement System, we determine:
Who is doing the action (your action / their action)
Who it is for (for them / for you)
We ask for permission when the person doing the action is doing it for their own benefit.
Example: You want you to give your partner a massage because you feel like touching their body. Even though they may enjoy it, the action is actually for you. And so, they are giving you access to their body.
We make agreements when the person doing the action is doing it for the benefit of the other person.
Example: Your partner wants you to give them a massage. The action is for them. They make an agreement with you according to your limits.
This also works when they are the one in action.
Is it their action for them, or their action for you?
Personal needs
We all have needs. If you don’t express your needs by asking for what you want or setting a limit, it’s human nature to try to get that need met through other, more unhealthy strategies.
These unhealthy strategies are called shadows
Everyone has them and they aren’t wrong. They’re simply conditioned and mostly unconscious ways to get our needs met. The idea is to bring awareness to them.
Shadows arise when we don’t;
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Ask for what we want
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Say no (voice our limits)
If you don’t ask for what you want, what do you do instead?
Shadows that may emerge are usually associated with:
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Taking what isn’t yours to take
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Expectation and entitlement
If you don’t say no, what do you do instead?
Shadows that may emerge are usually associated with:
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Pleasing to belong
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Going along with something you don’t like
We’ll explore shadows more thoroughly later.
When it comes to consent:
Practicing the Somatic Consent Engagement System requires honest communication so that it’s always clear who an action is for.
When you know who an action is for, you feel into your genuine desires and boundaries, and ask for what you want or say no.
Practicing will shine a light directly at both your own and your partner’s shadows.
Recognising shadows enables you to integrate them in a playful way.
The following video explains what somatic means and what consent entails. It also refers to the two types of neurons within the somatic nervous system.
Inner Reflection
Before moving on, consider your own personal boundaries in relation to touch
What are your personal preferences of touch and being touched?
Do you ever agree to or go along with things you don’t feel comfortable with or like much?
